Perspective

Hello those who read this blog...

You may or may not have noticed a bit of change (see Title...) in my blog.  I had a sort of epiphany this weekend.  As you all know (and in particular, those who know me know), I am not the most disciplined person in the world and I had put together the previous cleverly designed title (just go with me on that one...) to focus myself on the things I felt needed my attention in my life.  Discipline and Discipleship.

Well, Sunday morning as I was doing my daily [or weekly, whichever, judgy] run, I started to think about why I have been so disappointed in myself lately.  I have really felt like whatever challenge I have put in my own path, I consistently fail to meet.  It is really a downer to be a failure EVERY SINGLE DAY.  I realize that no one else has these expectations of me and that lots of people, whether they mean it or not, whether they are correct or not, consistently tell me that I am too hard on myself.  And, while I love you all for saying it at least, I am not sure you are right.  I don't think I am too hard on myself.  I believe that God wants me to be the person that I desire - and that He is the source of that desire.  None of my desires are harmful, detrimental, or seem to lead down a path away from God.  Those seem like indicators that I am "wanting" the right things. 

So, back to my constant failure and constant disappointment.  I began to question whether this is really how God wants me to spend my time and expend my emotional energy.  Is negative reinforcement working?  Doesn't seem like it to me.  I have been researching positive reinforcement lately as a parenting technique with one particularly adorable, intelligent, and um, discipline-challenged daughter.  All my friends have recommended it, her teachers have recommended it.  It seems better than the alternative...one can only spend so much time in time-out (or get so many spankings (or threats)). 

I thought about on Sunday about how, maybe, my life is not supposed to have all the answers NOW and maybe I am not supposed to meet my goals NOW.  And maybe it isn't true that if the NOW-ness doesn't happen NOW, then I am a failure.  Maybe....maybe I am not a failure.  Maybe I am just "in progress." 

So, since the negative reinforcement of constantly berating myself and being disappointed in myself hasn't worked so well, I am going to try positive reinforcement for a while.  I am going to remind myself that if I am just patient with myself - give myself a break when I make a bad choice, take the time to consider the choice in the first place, figure out where my head is before I make the choice, and consider the ultimate consequences before I make that choice, maybe...maybe I'll make better choices?  Maybe I'll be okay with myself if I choose to sleep a little late on Monday morning or eat some M&Ms in the afternoon.  Because I have considered the alternatives, thought about it a few minutes, and I am not just doing it only so that I will feel bad about myself later.  Then, when I DO make the right choices (which I do, sometimes, I just don't focus on them), then I will prove to myself that I will persevere.  I have the strength to reach my goal, make that depth, finish that race.  Pick your euphemism.  Because you know what, with or without me, life is going to go on...happy or not.

Anyway, I loved this quote from C.S. Lewis because it really does define the season in which I would like to be and therefore the season in which I now am.  Just like no one can make me get up and run in the morning, no one can keep me in a season of depression and disappointment.  So, I plan to rise up and be patient with myself, trust myself to make as many (and hopefully more) good decisions as I make bad ones and that the bad ones will diminish as the positive results of the good ones abound, and realize that I am persevering in this race that God has called me to run.  I am so blessed to have people with me on this race that I can call my friends, my family, my husband, my daughter, and my son - I am done being depressed and ready to "Make It Happen." 

Join me?  If not, at least reward my positive behavior.  :)

Love,
Melinda